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You Might Be A Redneck If…

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This is a list based on the popular “You Might Be A Redneck If…” series created by Jeff Foxworthy.

These really do take the mickey out of the hillbilly backwoods characters who we see on television and in the movies, but trust me, these people actually exist. You only have to look at some Trump supporters to know that’s true.

You might be a redneck if:

  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
  • The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
  • There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
  • You think the Bud Bowl is real.
  • You consider dating second cousins as “playing the field”.
  • You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
  • You paint your car with house paint.
  • Your dog goes “oink!”
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
  • You know how to milk a goat.
  • You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
  • Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
  • Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
  • Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
  • You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  • You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
  • You think toilet water is exactly that.
  • Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
  • Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
  • You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
  • You have a refrigerator just for beer.
  • Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • The trunk of your car is tied down and you’re not hauling anything.
  • You refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”
  • Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
  • You have orange road cones in your living room.
  • You can take your bra off while driving.
  • You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
  • You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
  • You have a tennis ball on your antenna.
  • You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
  • Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to “kiss her ass”.
  • Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
  • You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
  • You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
  • You rip a loud one and blame your date.
  • You have to dress up the kids to go to Kmart.
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean.
  • You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.

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