You Might Be A Redneck If…

Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-attractive-background-backwoods-39863/This is a list based on the popular “You Might Be A Redneck If…” series created by Jeff Foxworthy. Enjoy…

You might be a redneck if:

  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
  • The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
  • There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
  • You think the Bud Bowl is real.
  • You consider dating second cousins as “playing the field”.
  • You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
  • You paint your car with house paint.
  • Your dog goes “oink!”
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
  • You know how to milk a goat.
  • You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
  • Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
  • Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
  • Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
  • You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  • You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
  • You think toilet water is exactly that.
  • Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
  • Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
  • You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
  • You have a refrigerator just for beer.
  • Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • The trunk of your car is tied down and you’re not hauling anything.
  • You refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”
  • Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
  • You have orange road cones in your living room.
  • You can take your bra off while driving.
  • You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
  • You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
  • You have a tennis ball on your antenna.
  • You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
  • Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to “kiss her ass”.
  • Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
  • You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
  • You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
  • You rip a loud one and blame your date.
  • You have to dress up the kids to go to Kmart.
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean.
  • You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.

Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-attractive-background-backwoods-39863/

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