The Top 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For Christmas! What a nightmare it can be trying to buy something for that special woman in your life!
Have you ever wondered what the worst gifts are that a man can buy a woman for Christmas?
I don’t know who came up with this list and the descriptions, other than (a) it wasn’t me and (b) it must have been a woman!
I do know that trying to find that special gift for your significant other at Christmas is an absolute nightmare.
Actually, trying to buy any Christmas gift for a woman is fraught with problems, unless it’s that elderly aunt who is usually happy with a box of chocolates or a bottle of sherry. My dear old Gran was always pleased to get a box of chocolate covered ginger, but unfortunately we are talking here about someone younger, someone special, who wants a Christmas gift that is rather more special and worthy of here as well.
If you are like me, you want to buy her something that she will use and not something that will remain in a drawer for several years before being consigned to the charity shop.
Well, on to the list and I am sure that while you (as a man) may find this funny like I did, you should also take note of the consequences, should you pick an inappropriate present for HER.
Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier.
For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial.
The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and “who needs a man”.
Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. This makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during the spin cycle and end up smiling the rest of the day.
Any bulk cleaning supplies.
“Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting”.
“This Windolene should last you a while”
“I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner”.
All I can say is, be prepared to run.
I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the £5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Asda.
Any sharp objects made by Kenwood which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives.
These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her.
“Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.”
By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.
Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown.
It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is.
Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Ann Summers (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
No name perfume which costs you £2, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a £10 whore, or your dirty socks.
If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it.
Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing.
Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?”
An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
Do not give her a gift certificate to Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these trousers make me look fat.”
If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month, although that may be something you would actually look forward to.
A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to theoldies while stuffing fivers in his g-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday.”
These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
So take heed good friends and if you haven’t bought her that special gift yet, I hope this gives you food for thought. If you do happen to have bought her something already and it’s on the list, unless it’s the Chippendale personal trainer, I would think again and try to return it if you can.
So have a Merry Christmas and I hope you survive the holidays without a trip to hospital or joining the dog in the kennel!
Image used under a Collective Commons License from https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Christmas-gifts.jpg