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The Pumpkin Patch

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You might think of a pumpkin patch as a rather innocent place where people take their children to look at the pumpkins of all different shapes and sizes, to take photographs of them, and to select some to take home with them for Halloween.

But sometimes a pumpkin patch can become a rather different place, especially if it’s after dark and you have had rather too much to drink…

Last night, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, Georgia, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m.

Mr. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop and try out a theory that he had.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, much like … well you know what … and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from jail.

Mr. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pretty pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his “carnal needs“.

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. He was so engrossed in his actions, that he apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and he was unaware of his audience until police officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor.

“I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s … just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but you do realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’

He got real surprised, as you would expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damn … Is it midnight already?”

It would be really interesting to be a fly on the wall of the courthouse…

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