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The Martha Stewart Etiquette Guide For Rednecks

Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/3943489862

When it comes to etiquette, Martha Stewart knows just about everything there is to know, and then some.

But how do you advise rednecks, and I mean REAL rednecks, on the art of etiquette and how to live your life so that should guests ever arrive at your home unexpectedly, you will always be in a position to invite them in without having to tell them to come back in a couple of days, allowing you to clean up the mess.

You must admit this is a really tall order, but I think this guide to etiquette for rednecks from Martha Stewart just about covers everything. But to get going, let’s start with the basics.

THE BASICS

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change sheets.
  • Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will … it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

  • A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wantin’ to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday”. If the latter is the answer it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
  • Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/3943489862

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