Having moved house three years ago this week, I just came across this email about The Man Code that someone sent me a long time ago and thought it might be a good post to go along with it. The Man Code and Moving House.
By long time ago I mean 2006! Yes, some of us do keep emails for that long! No I’m not weird! Ok, maybe a bit eccentric and an email hoarder…
But anyways, back to the topic of the post, which is man, beer and buddy related.
What got me thinking about this topic was the paragraph that read “The universal compensation for buddies who help you move home is beer“.
And on the topic of beer, never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain greedy.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
Well I tell you, if all they have to offer is Budweiser then I would be royally peeved. When someone offers you a beer and all they have in the fridge is Budweiser, that’s an insult to real beer drinkers. When it’s warm it’s disgusting, when it’s icy cold it’s still undrinkable. Come visit me and you will find my fridge loaded with Stouts, IPA’s, Bitters and some decent lagers (San Miguel and Hophouse 13 for example).
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers. Of course when this was written, not that many people had smartphones with decent cameras. Now it would pretty much be assumed that any bachelor party would be filmed by everyone and from different angles so as to capture everything.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. Especially interesting if the woman you are trying to prove a point with turns out to be a commentator on a television sports show!
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. There is of course an exception, where if within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin“, in which case you may sit back and enjoy. Don’t forget to whip out your smartphone of course so you can blackmail him later, or send it to one of those “Funniest Home Video” programs.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. As long as it’s not Trump, who should not be bailed out under any circumstances once he goes to jail. Of course, he has no friends so it doesn’t really count in his case.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. If she keeps you waiting for 100 minutes, you naturally spend the evening hoping that she will make it worth your while.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. I’m going to cross that one off the list, not because I’m gay (I’m not), but I think it’s just a nice thing to do sometimes, especially if it’s someone you work with, in which case you can blame it on the women in the office.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. Of course, not everyone realizes that the ugly friend of a hot babe is often quite desperate, so should you end up doing the “dirty deed” with her, you might find yourself having the best night of your life.
Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. Yeah sure! Hands up if you would actually let a good buddy know you were dating their ex!
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. You saw nothing.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless super model… and it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman, must always remain sober enough to fight.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response. Ok hands up again if you have been in that situation.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing. That means you are either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. Above all, it’s forbidden to strike up or keep up a conversation with another man in the bathroom if he is occupying one of the traps.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him… too gay”. The exception to the rule is of course if it’s a rugby song.
Thou shall not rent the movie “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood“. The same goes for Steel Magnolias and other such chick flicks.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Especially if it’s not raining!
There, now… Everybody got it?
Image used under a Collective Commons License from https://www.needpix.com/photo/download/899561/digitization-null-one-binary-system-binary-digital-internet-data-transfer-computer