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The First Woman

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Contrary to popular belief, Eve was actually the first woman, the first human being that God created, before God created Adam, the first man. If you read on you will find out why I believe this to be true.

Yes I know, either way she was still the first woman and Adam was still the first man, but with them being created the other way around it does somewhat change the story of the Garden of Eden and the creation of mankind.

Who knows how the story of creation got mixed up. Maybe it was the result of the truth having been lost in translation over the millenia, or more likely the members of the early Church objected to the thought of woman coming first and being therefore superior to man.

But I digress…

Our story begins in the Garden of Eden, where all alone, Eve, the first woman, has explored every inch of her little corner of paradise and is now bored out of her mind.

She has checked out all the plants, inhaled the sweet fragrance of the brightly coloured flowers and sampled all of the fruits that grew in the garden, including of course the apple, the “forbidden fruit” that God insisted she must not eat. Yes, it’s tru to say that Eve has pretty much done it all.

She has also seen all the animals, birds and fishes and has studied their habits and rituals, but now she is absolutely bored and she needs more in her life.

So, Eve offers up a prayer to God, hoping for an answer that will put an end to her boredom.

“What is it, Eve?”, God replies.

“Hi God”, says Eve. “I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious but annoying snake, but I’m just not happy and fulfilled.”

God responds, “And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I’m lonely, and I’m bored to death of apples”, Eve responds in frustration, adding an “Oops!” as she realises that she has let the cat out of the bag there (even though of course there were no cats in the Garden of Eden and bags hadn’t been invented, but I digress again).

In an effort to cheer Eve up, God responds with one of the creations that had been kept back, presumably expecting that something like this would happen sooner or later.

“Well, Eve”, God says, “in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”, questions Eve.

God then explains to her about her new companion. “Man is a flawed creature with many bad traits. He will lie, cheat and be vain. All in all, he will give you a hard time, but he will be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I will create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like playing cards and knocking a ball around. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“That sounds great”, said Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch?”

“Well”, says God, “you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord?”, replied Eve.

“Well, since he will be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret… you know, woman to woman.”

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