Jack reached retirement age, so he went to see his doctor and asked him, “How can I live to be a hundred years old?” The doctor replied, “Well, I would recommend you give up smoking, stop drinking, don’t go out with women and stop eating meat”. Jack thought about the […]
The Best Funny Retirement Jokes
15 posts
If retirement jokes are what you are looking for then you just found a great collection of them. Retirement is something we all look forward to, but you hear some funny stories about retirement, as well as some really funny retirement jokes.
Here are some of the best retirement jokes, some probably true or based on true stories, but others quite possibly made up by a genius with a warped sense of humour.
We hope you get a good laugh out of our retirement jokes collection and please share our posts to spread the laughter. Thank you.
Image used under a Collective Commons License from https://pixabay.com/photos/old-elderly-beach-walk-relax-3608950/
This is a story about retirement in South Florida. I don’t know who wrote the original version of this and suspect it’s been embellished over the years. I have done my own editing as well to try and give a feel of the experience of being retired and living in […]
A wise old man retired and moved to a modest home that was near to a junior high school, seeking some peace and quiet in his older years. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment, then the new school year began. The very next […]
The US Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of a thousand dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The […]
When his health began to fail after he retired, Bill’s doctor recommended that he moved to somewhere healthier to live. So, after some research about places that were hot and cold, wet and dry, even inland or on the coast, Bill decided to move to a small town in Texas. […]
A new retirement community opened in town and after the first batch of elderly people had moved in, the community manager summoned them all to a meeting in the lounge. The manager addressed all the new residents, stating that he wanted to make them aware of some of the rules […]
I had waited for many years to quit work and was enjoying the second week of my retirement, much the same way as I had enjoyed the first week actually, by doing as little as possible and spending a few happy hours out in the garden relaxing in my wicker […]
Retirement is a strange thing you know. Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I now realise that at my age, I don’t really give a damn anymore. Honestly, I just got to the point where little surprises me and I live life my way. Take exercise for example. […]
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open his own medical clinic. He rented a small office and put up a sign up outside that said: “Doctor Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If you are not cured, get back $1,000”. A young man, who […]
Four retired men were walking down the street when they saw a sign that said, “Old Timers Bar – All drinks 10 cents“. They looked at each other in disbelief and then went into the bar, thinking that this was too good to be true and if it was true, […]
If I get the chance to be reincarnated, I want to live my next life backwards. I suppose this might sound strange, but would you like to know why? You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old folks home feeling […]
An old man and old woman met shortly after both became residents at a retirement home. They soon began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, “I know we are […]