Two old men were talking about golf one day at their Country Club.
One of the old men was a keen golf player, and the other knew absolutely nothing about the game, despite his having lived for many years.
Talking golf with the uninformed can lead to some surprising mis-interpretations, as you will see in this golf story.
Fed up with having him at home doing practically nothing all the time, one day Harold’s wife said to him “It’s about time that you learned to play golf. That’s the game where you chase a ball all over the countryside when you are too old to chase women.”
So Harold went to see his friend Mike, who was a keen golfer and asked him if he could teach him how to play golf.
Here Harold tells us what he learned about golf…..
Mike said, “you’ve got balls, haven’t you?”
Harold said “yes, but sometimes on a cold morning they are kinda hard to find.”
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we’ll tee off.
What’s tee off?
It’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.
Not for me, you can tee off there if you like, but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.
No, no. A tee is a little thing about the size of your pinky finger.
Yeah, I’ve got one of those!
Well, you stick it in the ground and put your balls on top of it.
How do play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.
You do. You are standing when your ball is on the tee.
Well folks, Harold thought that was stretching a little thing too far, and he said so.
You got a bag, haven’t you?
Your balls are in it, aren’t they?
Well, can’t you open your bag and take one out?
Harold thought “I suppose I could, but he was damned if he was going to”.
Don’t you have a zipper on the bag?
No, I am the old fashioned type.
Do you know how to hold your club?
Well after 60 years, Harold thought he should have some sort of idea, and told him so.
Mike said to take his club in both hands.
Harold knew right then he didn’t know what Mike was talking about.
Then he said, you swing it over your shoulders.
Harold thought, that’s not me, that’s my brother you’re talking about.
He asked him “how do you hold your club?”
Harold said, “in two fingers.”
He said, that wasn’t right and got behind Harold, put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how.
Harold thought “He can’t catch me there, because I didn’t put in three years in the Navy for nothing.”
“You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”
Harold said that he could well imagine.
Then Mike said, “when you are on the green.”
“What’s a green?” said Harold.
That’s where the hole is.
Sure. You’re not color blind?
No. Then you take your putter…
What’s a putter?
That’s the smallest club made.
That’s what I’ve got – a putter, thought Harold.
With it, you put your ball in the hole.
Harold corrected him, “you mean the putter.”
No, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter.
“Well” Harold thought, “I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.”
Then Mike said, “after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”
He wasn’t talking to me, thought Harold. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
You mean, you can’t make eighteen holes in one day?
Hell no, I make one hole in eighteen days, besides how do I know I’m in the 18th hole?
The flag will go up.
That would be just my luck, thought Harold.
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