A recent thread on a band forum had people coming back time after time to share a laugh with fellow music teachers over those phrases that were spoken with good intentions, but landed with a PG-13 rating!
For fun, I tend to call the flute section “fluties.”
One day one of the girls raised her hand and said with a smile, “If the flutes are the fluties, what are the horns?”
Another time one of my middle-school flute players was having difficulty playing a note.
I examined her flute and said “I think it’s a leaky pad.”
Suddenly she and her fellow female flute players started giggling.
It took me a second to figure out why and then another second to realize it was best not to say anything else.
Well, on several occasions, I have reached for the word “phrase” then switched to “part” and it accidentally comes out sounding like “fart“.
I try to just forge ahead and act like I don’t know why people are snickering.
When you’re fingering your parts, do it quietly, please.
On days that we have pep band we always take 15 minutes or so to run through tunes during rehearsal.
Towards the end of the year things get a little tedious, so we change it up by playing the tunes at different speeds.
Wanting them to be able to hold a slower tempo on a tune instead of justing doing everything fast, I blurted out “Gimmee Some Lovin’, extra slow”.
Goodness did I turn red.
A beginning trumpet student said, “I just can’t get those F’n G’s!”
I almost reprimanded him for his language until he pointed to the notes F and G in his book.
While rehearsing my high school band the trumpets entered too loud.
I stopped and asked what dynamic they had written in their parts.
They told me ‘F’.
Suspecting as much, I quickly told them, “I wanna ‘P’ on it!”
They all, gleefully, stood up and handed me their music.
At my old school, the Choir Director and I shared a room, and during his choir practice one day, I was listening to them.
They were working on Carol of the Bells and the Men’s part had the “Ding Dong Ding Dong” part.
He did not like what he was hearing, so he said to them, “guys, you have to hold your ‘Dongs’ out longer!”
I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, tears were streaming down my cheeks.
We were at a Basketball game only a month or so after I started my current job mid-year.
I was getting ready to call the “Spartan Fight Song.”
What fool named it that?
Naturally, I called for the “Fart in Spite Song.”
Every now an then, someone still calls it the Spite Song– that was more than 5 years ago.
When I was in college choir, we did Brahms’ Requiem.
We were doing the movement that says “Behold all flesh is as the grass” – very slow and in a minor key at first.
Then there’s the dramatic dynamic and tempo change when everyone practically bellows “Buuut yet the Lord’s word endureth forever”.
Our director said, “Altos, I want you to knock me out with that ‘but'”.
Poor thing, he was balding on top, and his whole head turned red!
During college wind ensemble rehearsal:
“I need more horn in the sound” came out as “I need a hornier sound.”
“Start at rehearsal letter L” came out as “Everybody go to L.”
During choir warm ups I’ve learned to say “deep breath“, and here’s why.
My principal called me in and told me I was NEVER to refer to private parts of a student’s anatomy.
I told her I never do that, and she told me that a parent had called and complained -twice – that I had told her daughter to use her “big breasts” while singing…
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