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New Employee Policy

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A new employee policy handbook came out at work this week and it’s got a lot of people up in arms. This is what it said…

Dear employees.

As a result of the money budgeted for department areas has been decreased, we have no choice but to cut down our number of personnel and are implementing a new employee policy, taking effect immediately.

Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger employees who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT that you can stand.

Your Sincerely,
The Management

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