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Microsoft Office Helpline

Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mynetx/5032451819

This is apparently a true story from the Microsoft Office Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitored by the customer care department. Like most “this is a true story” tales, if you believe this you will believe anything I guess, but it’s believable and funny and yes I have met people like this!

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired as a result of their conduct. They are however currently suing Microsoft for “Termination without Cause”.

This is the actual dialogue of the former Microsoft Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

“Microsoft Office helpline, how may I assist you today?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft Word.”

“What sort of trouble are you having Madam?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in Microsoft Word, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see your Desktop, or the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power failure.”

“A power … A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.” “Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too f ** g stupid to own a computer.”


Image used under a Collective Commons License from: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mynetx/5032451819

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