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Medieval Pick Up Lines

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There have been a whole lot of pick up line jokes over the years, but have you ever heard any Medieval Pick Up Lines?

In days of old, it must have been hard to introduce yourself to a fair maiden. Just finding the right thing to say to have a chance of getting your leg over must have been really difficult. Of course getting your leg over when you were wearing chain mail might be a problem in itself.

Imagine having ridden all day across country on your way to or from a battle, or carrying a message cross country perhaps and you are feeling frisky and in need of a different kind of action.

Then, you spy a Tudor beauty walking along the road without a care in the world. By the time you pull up alongside her you are practically drooling and in love, but what to say? How do you break the ice? I guess you could say “Excuse me, but your kirtle is tucked up into your knickers”, but as they didn’t wear knickers back then and the reaction might be not what you hoped, I wouldn’t recommend trying it.

You only have that night, before you have to continue on your way. There is an old barn just up the way that would serve your cause perfectly. But what to say to get the fair maiden into bed?

Here are some likely (or highly unlikely) phrases that might have worked, or maybe said Medieval gentleman would have ended up with a slap and no tickle. Of course sometimes a fair maiden might have been in need of some rumpy pumpy and needed a pick up line to attract a passing noble.

Trying to pick up a queen or princess though could be a rather risky proposition. If you really got lucky you could enjoy a royal romp, however it might not be long before you lost your head, literally!

Which is your favourite of these medieval pick up lines?

  • “Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?”
  • “Dost thou practice safe hex?”
  • “Milady, it’s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.”
  • “I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.”
  • “You should be glad I’m not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.”
  • “I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I’m walking on!”
  • “Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?”
  • “You won’t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you … the fate of England depends on it!!”
  • “I’m really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?”
  • “My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it.”
  • “I’ve been VERY NAUGHTY. You’ll have to put me in the stocks and … er … PUNISH me, now won’t you?”
  • “You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn’t my hair that the queen asked me to let down.”
  • “I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m’lady.”
  • “C’mon, sweetie … didn’t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away.”
  • “I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?”

And with that I will bid you all a good knight and close the door on my way out!

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