I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions;
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt,
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut;
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind,
I’m a woman you see, I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing,
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting;
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can’t see three inches of crack;
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb,
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I’m a woman, you know, I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
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