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God Went Missing For Six Days

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God went missing for six days from the Kingdom of Heaven, creating as you might imagine a bit of a panic. All the Angels, Apostles and the company of Heaven wondered where God had got to and search parties were sent out to find him.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, God was resting.

He enquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God pointed downwards through the clouds.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet and I have created life on it”, God replied. “I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance”.

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still totally confused.

God explained to Michael what he meant, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

“For example Michael”, God said, pointing to a large land mass, “North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth”. God moved his finger down and continued, “while South America is going to be poor”.

God continued with his pointing to different countries and regions. “The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. This country will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice”.

The Archangel, who by now was incredibly impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, “What’s that?”

“Ah”, God said. “That’s the North of England. This is the most glorious place on Earth. In the North of England there are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities. It is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians”.

Archangel Michael was now even more impressed by all that God had achieved during his six days and asked him more about the North of England.

“See here Michael”, God said, “the North of England has the best beer with a lovely creamy head unlike the flat tasteless stuff in the South. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling all over the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth”.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “But what about the balance God, you said there will be balance?”

God replied very wisely, “Absolutely Michael. Just wait until you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South!”

Now if you are English, you will appreciate the difference between the north and south of the country. Northerners, especially those from Yorkshire, think that they and their region is literally “God’s gift”. On the other hand, however, Southerners like me, well, we just know it’s better down south. I guess that’s one argument that will never end.

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