In the beginning, God created the earth, but thousands of years later, mankind decided that nicely manicured lawns were an improvement on the natural environment that God had created.
Mankind, especially those who live on the outskirts of the large cities, the “suburbanites”, no longer wanted to look out on colorful trees and plants growing everywhere. They didn’t want wildlife like squirrels and rabbits pecking at their lawns, and “God forbid” they had moles digging holes in them!
So, one day, God looked down on the civilized world that man had created, and to say that he was shocked is an understatement.
In an effort to try and understand what mankind was doing to all the natural wonders of the world that he, God, had created, he called on his trusty servant, and patron of wildlife, Saint Francis to offer some advice.
GOD:
“Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles”.
ST. FRANCIS:
“It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass”.
GOD:
“Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn”.
GOD:
“The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the suburbanites happy”.
ST. FRANCIS:
“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. They use a lawn mower to help take the effort out of it”.
GOD:
“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags”.
GOD:
“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away”.
GOD:
“Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“Yes, Sir”.
GOD:
“These suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work”.
ST. FRANCIS:
“You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it”.
GOD:
“What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life”.
ST. FRANCIS:
“You had better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away”.
GOD:
“No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves”.
GOD:
“And where do they get this mulch?”
ST. FRANCIS:
“They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch”.
GOD:
“Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you are in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”
ST. CATHERINE:
“Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….
GOD:
“Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis”.
Image used under a Collective Commons License from https://pixabay.com/illustrations/god-church-faith-christianity-1756006/