A drunken Irishman stumbles into the front door of a bar in Dublin and orders a Jameson’s whisky in a slurred voice. Knowing that this man, let’s call him Murphy, gets really obnoxious when he is drunk, the bartender says, “No way, buddy, you are way too drunk for me […]
Jokes in category: Irish Jokes
41 posts
Having lived in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, Murphy decided that the time had come to visit the fair city of Dublin. While there he marvelled at the towering buildings, the crowds of people, and the fancy goods that were to be found in the many shops […]
After dinner, Patrick raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend with the words “May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you’re dead!” “What’s that mean?”. she asks him. “That is an authentic Irish toast” replies Patrick. “Oh. In that case”, she says, “Here’s to bread, eggs […]
Patrick saw his friend Murphy sitting in a pub and looking really distressed, so he went over and asked him what the problem was. Murphy replied, “My wife has gone and enrolled me in a bridge club.” “That doesn’t sound so bad to me” said Patrick, “so why are you […]
Mrs. Sullivan returned home to to Ireland from a vacation to France where she had taken a class in French Cooking. She tells her husband Seamus that she is going to prepare him a special meal for St. Valentine’s Day, and that he is to go down to Murphy’s Market […]
As happens once in a while, and twice in a while if it’s a joke, the CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters to try and locate him. The head of the CIA gives the spy hunter some information […]
Paddy gets mugged one night. He was walking home from his local pub when all of a sudden from out of nowhere a thief jumped on him. The thief and Paddy began to wrestle. Over and over they rolled on the ground, and Paddy put up one heck of a […]
Patrick and Siobhan got married in Galway and as you might expect, it was a typical Irish wedding. All was going well until halfway through the wedding reception someone yelled out, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” As […]
Two Irishmen flew to Canada as they wanted to go on a hunting trip. On arrival, they chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies where they would spend a week moose hunting. They managed to bag 6 moose in total during the week, and were really pleased […]
Two Irish builders are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it’s upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says “Why are you throwing those nails away?” “Because they’re upside down!” says Paddy. “You idiot,” replies Murphy “You should […]
The priest of a small Irish church said to his congragation, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.” So Seamus got in line and when it was his turn, the priest said to him “Seamus, what do you […]
The police knocked at Murphy’s front door last night. When he opened the door, there was a policeman holding up a picture of his wife. The policeman said “is this your wife sir?” Shocked, Murphy answered ” yes”. The policeman said “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by […]
The boss of an Irish building crew ordered one of his men to dig a hole that was eight feet deep. So the workman set about digging a hole that was eight feet deep, which took him quite some time and effort. After the job was completed, the boss returned […]
Two Irishmen emmigrate to Canada and land themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Patrick yells out “Mick, come ‘ere, I’ve lost me finger!” “Have you now,” said Mick. “And how did you do that then?” Patrick replied “Well I just touched this big, shiny spinning […]
Before performing a baptism in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?” “I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all […]