This is a sweet story about a man who had what he thought was a great idea, buying a pocket Taser for his wife as a wedding anniversary present.
What on earth posessed him to buy his wife such an anniversary gift we will never know, but he did and lived to tell the tale.
This is the story of what happened in his own words.
A word of warning before you start reading though. We strongly advise that you refrain from eating or drinking while you read this. Laughing so hard that you snort fizzy drink out of your nose isn’t a pleasant experience and it’s rather messy as well, so you have been warned. Enjoy…
Last weekend I saw something at Harry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Margaret.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, which would allow her adequate time to retreat to safety, should she ever be in the position to use it.
Well friends, you never know these days, the streets are often unsafe and I really wanted to just make sure that she had a way to protect herself.
Well, to cut a long story short, I purchased the Taser and brought it home.
Being a man, naturally I couldn’t resist testing it, so I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Man was I disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome, I thought and gave it a go.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Margaret what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Trixie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Trixie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat, but, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong to think that?
So, there I sat in the living room, wearing just a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
- A one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
- A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
- A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
- Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I am looking at this little device, which measured about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference and loaded with just two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries.
Pretty cute really I thought, and had this feeling that there was no possible way that this could help defend her against any assailant.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best.
So, I am sitting there alone on the recliner in the living room. Trixie the cat is looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, “Don’t do it stupid“. Meanwhile I am reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I am pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that (point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling and apparently I had also crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, as my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid and whatever you do, don’t mess with a Taser!!!!
Image used under a Collective Commons License from https://www.flickr.com/photos/marcelofreixo/8188041975