Tag Archives: Religious Jokes

What Is Easter?

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Three fairly dumb looking men just died and are waiting outside the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The man replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”

“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The second man replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete right in the eye.

“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

The man continues…

“Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”

What Causes Arthritis?

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A drunk who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father,what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, arthritis is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

My Hearing

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The priest of a small Irish church said to his congragation, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

So Seamus got in line and when it was his turn, the priest said to him “Seamus, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Seamus replied, “Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

So the priest put one finger of one hand in Seamus’s ear, then placed his other hand on top of Seamus’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a “blue streak” for Seamus, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the priest removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Seamus, how is your hearing now?”

Seamus answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”

Three Huts

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One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship saw smoke coming from an uncharted island, where there appeared to be three huts.

Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor.

He said, “I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been alone on this island for more than five years!”

The captain replied, “If you’re all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts.”

The survivor said, “Oh. We’ll, I live in one, and go to church in another.”

“What about the THIRD hut?” asked the captain.

“That’s where I USED to go to church.”

Eating Meat On Friday

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Each Friday night after work, Michael would fire up his outdoor grill and cook chicken.

All of Michael’s neighbors were Catholic and since this was Lent, they refrained from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled chicken wafted throughout the neighborhood causing so much frustration for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Michael and was able to persuade him to become a Catholic.

After several classes and a lot of studying, Michael was baptized.

As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said to Michael, “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”

Michael’s neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and once again the wonderful aroma of grilled chicken filled the whole neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

He rushed over to Michael’s place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him for his actions.

When he arrived he stopped dead in his tracks and watched in amazement.

There stood Michael, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grill, saying : “You were born a chicken you were raised a chicken but now you’re a salmon.”

Three Hymns

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One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, and him, and him.”

The Substitute Organist

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A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

He was really frustrated to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute organist wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” the minister said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
 
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
 
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that my friends is how the substitute organist became the regular organist!

The Town Picnic

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At the town’s annual picnic in July, the local Rabbi and Catholic Priest, rivals who always sought to out do each other at every opportunity, got to talking about the customs that their respective religions imposed on them.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” said the priest as he teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Sullivan’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest, gave a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

I’m Not Going To Church

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. 

  1. They don’t like me
  2. I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.

  1. You’re 59 years old
  2. You’re the pastor!”

The Sunday Sermon

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“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service,  “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer.   “Arthur has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”