A MAN SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR WRITING HIS FINAL WILL
HE CALLS ACROSS TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS TO HER
“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!”
SHE SHOUTS BACK “YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! “
Harold feared that his wife Dorothy wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought that if she was going deaf that she might need a hearing aid.
He wasn’t quite sure how to approach her, and so he telephoned the family Doctor to discuss the problem with him.
The Doctor told him that there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do” said the Doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from your wife, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Harold was in the den, he thinks to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away from the old girl now, let’s see what happens.”
So in a normal tone he calls out to his wife, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
So Harold moves closer to the kitchen. He is now about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response…
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response…
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response…
FInally, he walks right up behind her. “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”
“FOR GOODNESS SAKE HAROLD – FOR THE FIFTH TIME – IT’S CHICKEN!”
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”