A MAN SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR WRITING HIS FINAL WILL
HE CALLS ACROSS TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS TO HER
“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!”
SHE SHOUTS BACK “YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! “
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in, and then Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
” Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Jacob; “How about Viagra”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Jacob turns to Rebecca: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them.
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”
They draw straws.
Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!”
“I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is “when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.”
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust”.
I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for when I have visitors!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor”.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they are cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life Because Life is a journey to be savored!
I’ve seen two shows recently that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be… puh-leeeeeeze! I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you’ll probably relate…
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream “Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!”
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks??”
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally… more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the ”big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we’ve acquired….. that’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!