Tag Archives: marriage

Have You Ever Been Unfaithful?

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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Helen, soon we will have been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to ask.  In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Helen replied, “Well Arthur, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Arthur was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”

Helen said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Arthur recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Helen asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Arthur. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Helen said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Jacob And Rebecca

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Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in, and then Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

” Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob; “How about Viagra”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob turns to Rebecca: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them.

Marriage Advice From Kids

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.

Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10 (this kid is a genius for his age!)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It’s the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing.  I’m never going to have sex with my wife.  I don’t want to be all grossed out.

Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

Kelvin, age 8

“And the #1 Favourite is……..”

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

Black And Blue

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A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.  Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”

The Longest Marriage

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At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

An elderly couple, who were married over 60 years, was selected.

The DJ asked them, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

The woman said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

The Dream

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diamond_necklaceAfter she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn’t wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

Embarrassing Problems

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A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.  I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I have extremely smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be revolted by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.   That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.  Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.   This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve eaten one of my socks!”

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