Tag Archives: life

Wife Or Mistress?

Posted on by

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better.  If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”

The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”

The manager says: “You’re both wrong.  It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to watch the game at the bar.

Well Stated Facts

Posted on by

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.
She said, “Don t be silly you’re not old.”

When your Dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.

I need someone to refresh my memory.  How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red?  Is it three or five?

How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won’t work and you can’t fire it.

Trust me — I’m a Lawyer.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.”

Anybody who says that money can’t buy happiness did not have $10,000 invested in AOL stock eight years ago.

The gun manufacturers are not making a dangerous product.  Bad parents are.

I don’t understand it. I spend the same amount on gas every week but my car mileage seems to be slipping.

Twelve Rules Of Life

Posted on by

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are:

ONE

Never give yourself a haircut after three Margaritas.

TWO

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

THREE

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “you are right.”

FOUR

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

FIVE

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

SIX

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

SEVEN

Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”

EIGHT

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

NINE

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

TEN

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

ELEVEN

Work is good, but it’s not that important. Money is nice, but you can’t take it with you. Statistics show most people don’t live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn’t really ours; It’s on loan to us while we’re here …even our kids.

TWELVE

And finally…Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.