Tag Archives: Jokes

The Funeral Piper

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As a bagpiper, I have played at many different occasions, but the strangest thing of all happened to me recently when I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.

This man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The only people around were the grave diggers and they were sitting eating their lunch.

I felt really bad, and apologized to the men for being late.

I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost…

Making A Will

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A man went to his lawyer and said, ‘I would like to make a will, but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.’

The lawyer smiled at the man and replied, ‘Not a problem, leave it all to me.’

The man looked somewhat upset and said, ‘Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!’

Seen In A Fine Restaurant

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress , taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No he didn’t.  He just walked in the door.”

Raw Materials

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In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials.

She stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam.

Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

Well Stated Facts

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I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.
She said, “Don t be silly you’re not old.”

When your Dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.

I need someone to refresh my memory.  How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red?  Is it three or five?

How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won’t work and you can’t fire it.

Trust me — I’m a Lawyer.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.”

Anybody who says that money can’t buy happiness did not have $10,000 invested in AOL stock eight years ago.

The gun manufacturers are not making a dangerous product.  Bad parents are.

I don’t understand it. I spend the same amount on gas every week but my car mileage seems to be slipping.

The Dream

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diamond_necklaceAfter she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn’t wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

Bad Potato

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BAD POTATO

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my
Dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said,
“Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back
on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble,
you just let me know.”

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CONTENTS
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1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke
4. Today’s Adult Joke
5. The Bonus Adult Joke

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,454 **

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There are a number of pages here with jokes for every day of the
month, Religious Jokes, Golf Jokes and much more besides just humor.
** JUST ADDED – SANDBANKS – BRITAIN’S MALIBU **
I hope you will find time to take a look.

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THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
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Hi Everyone,

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to visit my lenses at
Squidoo. I hope you enjoyed your visit. I have been updating my
lenses, so if you do have time to help more, please could you click on
the following links this week. If I ask for one or two clicks per
mailing, and enough people respond, that would be an amazing help for
me and would help me to get a better ranking, and as a result more
visitors.

Religious Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
My Pet Peeves – http://www.squidoo.com/my_pet_peeves

Well it’s been a busy week here, but work has been back to normal
which has been good, allowing me a bit of time at night to work on my
web sites, and also to exercise a bit. Depending on what time I get
home and what the weather is like, I either take a brisk walk around
the block, which is 2 1/4 miles around a lake, past some gorgeous
homes, through the golf course, or I go for a swim in the pool at the
condo complex. If I get home early enough and the sun is still up I
try and do both, since I like to climb the stairs rather than take the
elevator, and I live on the 7th floor! Going down is ok, but by the
time I get to the top after my walk I’m puffing a bit. It’s good for
me though, and I feel better than I have for years.

Enjoy the jokes…
Hope you have a fun weekend and that life is treating you kindly.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

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THE BONUS JOKE
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AMISH JOKE

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when
she is pulled over by a cop.

“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a
warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein
loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider
that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take
care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake.”

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
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BEAUTIFUL GIRL

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He Walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Paul, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her.

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried
I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to
my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.

“Sensible” says Jeff.

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”

And what happened then? Asked Jeff.

“I kicked her in the face.”

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UH-OH — MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FREE SEX

A gas station in Texas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for
his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close;
the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess
the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no
free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think
that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged, my wife won
twice last week.”

Women’s Revenge

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WOMEN’S REVENGE

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

(Women are evil – this proves it… Just kidding…)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,851 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Poddys Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry for the lack of jokes yet again the past two weeks… I started a new job
2 weeks ago and that has kept me pretty busy, apart from having 2 young girls
running around keeping me on my toes…

Have a great week… Easter is coming up – a good time for families and friends
- and for many like me in the USA a good old 2 day weekend like the rest of them
instead of a nice 4 day weekend like the UK… Good Friday always drags at work
because I’m thinking of how I used to get it off… Never mind, I only have 2
more months to wait for the first public holiday of the year in the USA (for
most people)… Sad isn’t it… SO – LETS GET THE JOKES ROLLING AND IF NOTHING
ELSE CHEER ME UP LOL!

Tony -> The Big Poddy

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THE BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For everyone over the age of 40 & brought up in the U.K. …get a coffee and
prepare to get nostalgic…
http://www.sixtiescity.com/Media/Media.shtm#ads

(thanks that link Ali – good memories for us Brits…)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AFFAIRS

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, “pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got
one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the
Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

(thanks for that Jack… I miss you… Jack and I corresponded regularly for a
couple of years, but sadly he passed away last fall… He was a terrific guy, so
I am including some of the jokes he sent over the years in memory of him and the
joy he gave to so many people in his life…)

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ANOTHER ADULT JOKE – ALSO COURTESY OF JACK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORAL DILEMMA

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass
by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be
one passenger in your small car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should
save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again…

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered, “I would give the car keys to my old friend
and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the
bus with the partner of my Dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside the Box.”

HOWEVER…., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive
off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

God, I just love happy endings.