What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father,what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, arthritis is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Black And Blue

A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.  Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”

Mountain Driving

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles.

The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true.

All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff.

The drunk saw the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.

He saw the preacher climbing up the hillside.

He yelled down at the preacher, “Are you alright?”

The preacher replied, “Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me.”

The drunk then yelled back, “You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!”