The minister was preaching on the evils of drink.
He first said that he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river.
Then he moved on to beer, and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river as well.
The minister added that all other forms of alcohol ought to be dumped into the river.
At this point the choir director’s face began to show a worried look.
The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was “Shall We Gather At The River?”
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, ‘This is for washing our hair.’
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
‘The curlers are on me.’
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions;
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt,
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut;
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind,
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing,
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting;
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack;
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb,
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Vancouver and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, ‘Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please’.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ‘Been on holiday yet, lads?’
‘Off to England next month,’ says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?’
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!’ says the bartender. ‘Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…’
‘Nah, we don’t like that British crap,’ says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English, they’re so arrogant and rude.’
‘So why keep going to England?’ asks the bartender.
‘It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.
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