A MAN SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR WRITING HIS FINAL WILL
HE CALLS ACROSS TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS TO HER
“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!”
SHE SHOUTS BACK “YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! “
Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills Elementary School in Hollywood, California.
“Guess what?” one said. “Mommy’s getting married again and I’ll have a new Daddy.”
“Really?” said the other girl. “Who is she marrying?”
“Winston James, the famous Director.”
The second girl smiled. “Oh, you’ll like him. He was my Daddy last year.”
An African Tribal Leader flew across the ocean to the United States to visit the president.
When he arrived at the Dulles International Airport in Washington, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.
One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises …. “screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-” … and then added in perfect English, “Yes, I had a very nice flight.”
Another reporter asked, “Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you’re in the area?”
The chief made the same noises … “screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z” … and then said, “Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.”
“Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?” asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, “Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z … I spent my childhood years listening to short-wave radio broadcasts.”
Although we had planned to get married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of home from the state of Kansas where I grew up, to our wedding.
My fiancee, explained this to a friend, and told him that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”
A clergyman parked his car in a no parking zone in the city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a free parking space.
Feeling guilty, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have driven around the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I will miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned to his car, he found a ticket from a traffic warden along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of golf balls.
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means that on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
I almost feel like a hybrid.
“Hey you there, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence”, said the Park Ranger.
Bubba was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.
In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
“I was so hungry,” complained Bubba, “and the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!”
To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge’s closing statement he said to Bubba, “I would like you to ask you something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I would like to know: What did it taste like?”
Bubba answered, “Well to tell you the truth Your Honor, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl.”
(Image of a Bald Eagle from Wikipedia)
Three fairly dumb looking men just died and are waiting outside the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
The man replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”
“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
The second man replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
The third man smiles and looks St. Pete right in the eye.
“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
The man continues…
“Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
So there was this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him, and everyone on the road was giving him strange looks, and some were going into panic mode.
Here are some simple instructions on how to have a fun time on the interstate:
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell!
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!