THE MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS

It was the month before Christmas*
*When all through our land,*
*Not a Christian was praying*
*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*
*The reason for Christmas – no one could say.*
*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*
*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say*
* December 25th is just a ‘Holiday’.*
*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*
*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*
*Something was changing, something quite odd! *
*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*
*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*
* At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.*
*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears*
*You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*
*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*
*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*
*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*
*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*
*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*
* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*
*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*
*So as you celebrate ‘Winter Break’ under your ‘Dream Tree’*
*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!*
Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke
4. Another Bonus Joke
5. Today’s Adult Joke
6. My Other Joke Pages

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,628 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses – there is a link at the bottom
of this message. I have a Daily Joke page with either a joke or
funny picture for every day since February 2008, so if you still need
more jokes than in this message – just check the Daily Joke lenses.

I also have some other great Humor lenses – not only Daily Jokes.
Again the links to these are at the bottom of this message.
I hope you will find time to take a look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Everyone,

I hope you re all well, free of sickness, haven’t been made unemployed
or had any other calamity come upon you.

For me things are going well. I am still broke though, but still
employed, and as busy as ever, hence the reason why it’s been a month
since my past post, but I hope you enjoy the jokes, and you will find
many more on my Daily Joke lenses.

As many of you know, I have been creating a jokes page on Squidoo
every month. The Daily Jokes For December page is full of some of the
funniest Christmas Pictures around, and you can find these all at
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_december_2008 – don’t miss it.

If you do have some spare time and would like to see some more jokes,
funny pictures, music videos or to see what else I have created pages
about, there is a list of my humor lenses at the end of this message,
or you can visit http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys for a list
of all the lenses that I have created – over 60 now covering a number
of different topics.

That’s it from me for today.
Enjoy the jokes.
Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the
spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be
a girl.

We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit
all around the world in one night and not get lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A CHRISTMAS STORY

This is a Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YET ANOTHER BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHRISTMAS IN THE SOUTH

An Englishman was visiting the the US for the first time.

He was in the deep south and was wandering around town and noticed a
beautiful nativity scene in the town square.

But, there was something odd to him. The wise men were all wearing
fire department helmets.

The Englishman goes into a nearby diner and the waitress asks him what
he would like ot order.

He orders and then comments on the beautiful nativity scene and asks
why the wise men are wearing helmets.

The waitress replies, “Boy you must not be from around here and you
don’t know yer Bible either. Everyone knows that the wise men came
from afar.”

Better if done with a southern accent-Alabama preferred…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BOOT SIZE

A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
upon a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with
big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady! Why don’t you
come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered… take the money and buy
yourself some boot’s that fit!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WINTER IN AMISH COUNTRY

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold”

The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up.”

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said,
“My hands are freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter.

He said, “My nose is freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.”

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter
and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

The slightly concerned mother says, “Sure, why do you ask?

The daughter says, “Well, they make one hell of a mess when they
defrost..!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY HUMOR LENSES AT SQUIDOO – LOTS MORE FUN FOR ALL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t miss all my other jokes pages – many more jokes, fun stories,
and funny pictures.

THE DAILY JOKE LENSES
The Index – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke
Feb/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/joke-a-day
Mar/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/thedailyjoke_March2008
Apr/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_april_2008
May/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_may_2008
Jun/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_june_2008
Jul/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_july_2008
Aug/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_august_2008
Sep/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_september_2008
Oct/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_october_2008
Nov/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_november_2008
Dec/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_december_2008

OTHER JOKE LENSES
My Pet Peeves – http://www.squidoo.com/my_pet_peeves
My Claim To Fame – http://www.squidoo.com/my_claim_to_fame
Religious Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
Golf Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/golfjokes
Baby Boomer Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/baby_boomer_jokes
Super Heroes Gone Wrong -
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

FEELING CREATIVE?
Why not have a go at creating your own lenses like I have done. It’s
really very easy, and I will be pleased to help you along, plus the
forums are full of people that will happily point you in the right
direction if you get stuck. If you think you might like to try, just
click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/referral/poddys
Just be aware that you could get hopelessly addicted.

TWO PART QUESTION

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question TV Quiz
Show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a
question on American History.

The big night arrived. and Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and
TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was the best guest this
show had ever seen.

The host stepped up to the microphone.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if
you correctly answer this question, you will walk away one million dollars
richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence — the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a
question all week.

“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part
first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part
would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it. He was not
sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played it safe.

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The host nodded approvingly. “Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the second half
first, then the first half.”

The audience grew silent with anticipation…..

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke
4. Another Bonus Joke
5. Today’s Adult Joke
6. My Other Joke Pages

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,583 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses – there is a link at the bottom
of this message. I have a Daily Joke page with either a joke or
funny picture for every day since February 2008, so if you still need
more jokes than in this message – just check the Daily Joke lenses.

I also have some other great Humor lenses – not only Daily Jokes.
Again the links to these are at the bottom of this message.
I hope you will find time to take a look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Everyone,

Time as usual is not on my side, which is why the flow of jokes out to you all
has been slow as always. Despite the new jokes coming in, it’s not easy trying
to pick ones that are both new and good, even harder if they have to be clean as
well!

But here is a post for you, and I hope you enjoy this selection of jokes I have
for you.

This weekend was a good one, watching my eldest daughter play softball on
Saturday morning (her team won), then taking both of my girls to the local park
on Sunday, where they played on the playground, flew kites, threw Frisbees, and
had a great time. Followed of course by a trip to Wendy’s for Frosties -
yumm…

There is a water playground at the park we went to, and on Sunday it was open
for people to take their dogs in. It was great fun watching dozens and dozens
of dogs, large and small, swimming and chasing each other through the water,
catching toys, and just having the time of their lives. I think when I die I
want to come back as a dog.

As many of you know, I have been creating a jokes page on Squidoo every month,
and although it didn’t get completed until the end of the month, I now have the
page completed for October, and it’s been going down really well so far. For
October I dug out some really funny dog pictures. I found some for September
too, but I think the October ones by far are even better, and to top it all I
found some incredibly funny videos of dogs on trampolines. If you have never
seen a dog on a trampoline, then you do not want to miss this. The Daily Jokes
For October page is at http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_october_2008 -
don’t miss it. Meantime I am working on the page for November – better late
than never….

If you do have some spare time and would like to see some more jokes, funny
pictures, music videos or to see what else I have created pages
about, there is a list of my humor lenses at the end of this message,
or you can visit http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys for a list
of all the lenses that I have created – over 60 now covering a number
of different topics.

That’s it from me for today.
Enjoy the jokes.
Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IRISH LABOURERS

“The boss has been on the phone” said Cassidy. “He says they’re sending down a
thousand bricks this afternoon”.

“My God” cried Kelly, “how many bricks are in a thousand?”

“I don’t know” said Cassidy, “but there must be millions!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EYESIGHT PROBLEMS

Yesterday I went to the optician’s, walked up to the counter and said to the guy
on duty, “I think my eyes are going.”

He said, “They’ve gone mate – this is Burger King.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DOCTOR JOHNSON

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Johnson to see about about enlarging her
tiny breasts.

Dr. Johnson advised her, “Every day after your shower rub your chest and say,
“Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific
D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she
didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the
bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A man sitting nearby looked at her, “By any chance, are you a patient of Dr.
Johnson?”

“Why, yes I am… How did you know?”

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PILLS

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills.
I can’t afford to get pregnant!” said Rose to Nina.

“But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy,” Nina responded.

“He did. That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY HUMOR LENSES AT SQUIDOO – LOTS MORE FUN FOR ALL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t miss all my other jokes pages – many more jokes, fun stories,
and funny pictures.

THE DAILY JOKE LENSES
The Index – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke
Feb/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/joke-a-day
Mar/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/thedailyjoke_March2008
Apr/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_april_2008
May/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_may_2008
Jun/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_june_2008
Jul/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_july_2008
Aug/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_august_2008
Sep/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_september_2008
Oct/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_october_2008

OTHER JOKE LENSES
My Pet Peeves – http://www.squidoo.com/my_pet_peeves
My Claim To Fame – http://www.squidoo.com/my_claim_to_fame
Religious Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
Golf Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/golfjokes
Baby Boomer Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/baby_boomer_jokes
Super Heroes Gone Wrong -
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

FEELING CREATIVE?
Why not have a go at creating your own lenses like I have done. It’s
really very easy, and I will be pleased to help you along, plus the
forums are full of people that will happily point you in the right
direction if you get stuck. If you think you might like to try, just
click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/referral/poddys
Just be aware that you could get hopelessly addicted.

THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME

After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was
needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was
there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The Bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

No matter,” said the man. “Observe!.” And he began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed to his side!

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments
before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them
asked: “Bishop, who was this man?”.

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, ” I don’t know his
name…

“but his face sure rings a bell”

WAIT! WAIT! There’s more …. (DON’T DELETE YET!)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.”

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell,
he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the
spot.

The monks, hearing the Bishop’s cries of grief at this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked
breathlessly.

” I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught Bishop, but…”

( . . Wait for it . . .. )

( .. . . It’s worth it . . ..)

(…….Here it comes…..)

” He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

{groan} {groan} {groan} {groan}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke
4. Another Bonus Joke
5. Today’s Adult Joke
6. My Other Joke Pages

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,567 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

Funny Halloween Pictures – don’t miss these…
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/hallindex.htm

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses – there is a link at the bottom
of this message. I have a Daily Joke page with either a joke or
funny picture for every day since February 2008, so if you still need
more jokes than in this message – just check the Daily Joke lenses.

I also have some other great Humor lenses – not only Daily Jokes.
Again the links to these are at the bottom of this message.
I hope you will find time to take a look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Everyone,

Welcome everyone from Sunny Florida where winter has at last
arrived. Monday night the temperature dropped to 57 degrees, and
last night it dropped to 50. So it’s decidedly chilly, but nice blue
skies at least. For those of you running in Centigrade, 57 is 13C
and 50 is 10C. Yeah – it’s not so chilly compared with many of you
living closer to the poles… Just teasing you

I hope you enjoyed the long long long joke I sent out yesterday. Did
you actually manage to read through it? Are you still in the middle
of it? Is it going to take you a week LOL Or did you just give
up…

I am trying to catch up and get a few more jokes out now, since my
princess returned to England and I have a bit more time on my hands.
I still have hundreds of emails to work through, hundreds of links at
Stumbleupon (http://poddys.stumbleupon.com) to wade through too, and
lots of updates to make to my lenses at Squidoo
(http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys).

Since I have been so busy taking care of my girlfriend, I haven’t
been able to promote my lenses as much as I would like, and the
traffic has slipped somewhat, which is saddening. If you do have
some spare time and would like to see some more jokes, funny
pictures, music videos or to see what else I have created pages
about, there is a list of my humor lenses at the end of this message,
or you can visit http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys for a list
of all the lenses that I have created – over 60 now covering a number
of different topics.

Well October is about to fade out, November will be here at the
weekend, and soon Christmas, Hannuka or whatever you celebrate at the
end of the year. I can’t believe how quickly 2008 has passed.

I will also be pleased next week when the Presidential Election here
in the USA finally gets around to the voting stage, and hope it
doesn’t turn into a fiasco like the last time. If you would like to
see a mildly adult funny related to the election, don’t miss the
adult joke section later in this email. I hope you enjoy it.

That’s it from me for today.
Enjoy the jokes.
Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ONE FOR HALLOWEEN

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little
dust broom!!!”

“IMPOSSIBLE !!” said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”

{thanks for that joke Mickey}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIVER AND CHEESE

Three male dogs were walking down the street when they spotted a
beautiful female Poodle.

The males were speechless.

Said the Poodle, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’
and ‘cheese’ in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me.”

The black lab blurted, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” scoffed the Poodle. She turned to the Golden
Retriever.

“Um, I HATE liver and cheese,” he said.

“My,,” said the Poodle. “I guess you’re hopeless.”

She then turned to the Taco Bell Chihuahua and said, “How about you,
little guy?”

He smiled, winked, and said to the other two, “Liver alone, cheese
mine!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMLESS

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

“Look,” said the customer, “I have no arms – would you please hold
the glass up to my mouth?”

“Sure”, said the bartender, and he did.

“Now,” said the customer, “I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my
handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.”

“Certainly.” And it was done.

“If you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket,” said the armless
man, “you’ll find the money for the beer.”

The bartender got it.

“You’ve been very kind,” said the customer. “Just one thing more.
Where is the men’s room?”

“Out the door,” said the bartender, “turn left, walk two blocks, and
there’s one in a filling station on the corner.”

{thanks for sending that one in Ahmed}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wherever you may be in the world, you no doubt have been bombarded
with news of the presidential Elections here in the USA and the saga
of Sarah Palin. This is a funny clip of her from a recent debate.
Can you read her lips and tell what she is saying?
http://tagfoot.com/poddys/news.15A6C276-D817-492F-A36B-F8E2D6C07101

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY HUMOR LENSES AT SQUIDOO – LOTS MORE FUN FOR ALL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t miss all my other jokes pages – many more jokes, fun stories,
and funny pictures.

THE DAILY JOKE LENSES
The Index – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke
Feb/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/joke-a-day
Mar/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/thedailyjoke_March2008
Apr/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_april_2008
May/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_may_2008
Jun/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_june_2008
Jul/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_july_2008
Aug/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_august_2008
Sep/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_september_2008

OTHER JOKE LENSES
My Pet Peeves – http://www.squidoo.com/my_pet_peeves
My Claim To Fame – http://www.squidoo.com/my_claim_to_fame
Religious Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
Golf Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/golfjokes
Baby Boomer Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/baby_boomer_jokes
Super Heroes Gone Wrong -
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

FEELING CREATIVE?
Why not have a go at creating your own lenses like I have done. It’s
really very easy, and I will be pleased to help you along, plus the
forums are full of people that will happily point you in the right
direction if you get stuck. If you think you might like to try, just
click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/referral/poddys
Just be aware that you could get hopelessly addicted.

THE LONGEST JOKE IN THE WORLD

This has to be absolutely positively the longest joke in the world, so please
bear with me as the story unravels…

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.

He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel,
had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got
lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again.
There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was
useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in
an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water
ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the
direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought
he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking.
He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to
the small town he’d gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based
upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has
no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a
rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his
pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the
back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the
windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that
desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that
looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction
he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really
thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to
crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the
umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid
sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows
that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that
they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders
what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10
hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be
close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to
cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember
coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his
direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off
to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that
after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these
hills, and that’ll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and
things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the
town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands
back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are
gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so
thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because
it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert
and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days
without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people
can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert
heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be
without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last
day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid.
He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his
mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone
numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little
farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some
of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question – which way does he go
from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday
(assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a
new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the
direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points
himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a
couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a
little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that -
when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble -
usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t
wait any longer – if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade
of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It
feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care
about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last
too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he’s drinking it,
he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from
passing out.

He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it
kills him, it kills him – if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway.
Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the
fluid with is just designed to make you sick – their way of keeping
winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can
handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks,
hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of
water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the
other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his
eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though
they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the
movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue,
heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the
denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to
steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is
good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV – he
remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it -
he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he
remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he
remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other
side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure
any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is
it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going
down again? It must be afternoon – it seems like it’s been too long
since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He
doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or
at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He
figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see
anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up
the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or
third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back
up – he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on
his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s
finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert -
crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the
perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The
people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged
clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will
probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years
from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand
out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his
throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the
top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around.
All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile
away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this
sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove
his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of
the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and
is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something.
Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he
sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops
taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area
seems to be circular. And it’s dark – darker than the sand. And,
there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell
what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here.
He’s going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the
dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble – he’s not
going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding,
tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand
it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s
caught fire on the way down – like a movie car wreck flashing into
flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the
ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands,
and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds
enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and
clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure
that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just
imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he
begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he
doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must
be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If
this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it
anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle
of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And
lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he
gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a
minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on
sand – he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some
kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired
to stand up and try to see what the pattern is – so he just keeps
crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still
see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and
knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that
this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding,
punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool.
He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this.
He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face
down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage.
Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and
start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to
die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to
see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what
he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings,
traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands
and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries
something different – he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone.
After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his
face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes
with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark
expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a
white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about
four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering
and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen
foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up
and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is
it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going
to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker
than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to
sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts
one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake
watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man,
looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t
rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of
snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center
here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy -
he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even
though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to
drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t
look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone.
Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who
talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t
biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too
dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no
way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He
feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there.
He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and
falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have
much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his
lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it
around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels
better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him,
hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is
there anyone here?”

He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had
seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there
must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that
post. He decides to try asking for help.

“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not
be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you
help me?”

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice
was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back,
open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness
overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very
well. Coming up.”

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He
sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s
momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers -
the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees
the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking
at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels
slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them – blood. He
feels his shoulder again – his shirt has what feels like two holes in
it – two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of
pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up – it’s the snake
talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices – he’s not dizzy
any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more – at all!

“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?”

“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s
the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural
medicine.”

“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give
me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for
over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it,
how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort
of Disney animation?”

“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway.
I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works – it’s what
I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had
water just sitting around here.”

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle
of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t,
talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And
he felt better. Not great – he was still starving and exhausted, but
much better – he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat
again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was
starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was
a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in
your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess
why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much
methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make
you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”

“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his
hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the
snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The
snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further
from the show of fangs.

“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is
free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires
the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.

“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old
Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that,
most of the Bound used to just call me `Snake’. But that got old, and
Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk
needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you
wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake,
but I think you can understand – my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The
snake give his rattle a little shake.

“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack
Samson.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the
poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do
that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”

“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to
answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The
snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed
you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or,
well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more – but `any
more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent – now, as
long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body
will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get
enough just from the food you eat – much like a creature of the
desert. You’ve been changed.

“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying.
Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man -
and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than
about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive,
that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued
his wide grin.

“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far
as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to
read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you
have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the
secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”

“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but
you’d have to kill me?”

“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.

“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he
was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for
having a nasty temper. “So, what is this `Bound by Secrecy’ stuff,
and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought
for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought
these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”

“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in
a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your
breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the
liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was
wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?”

“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.

“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy – with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing
about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after
that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be
allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language,
charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess
correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also
ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that
you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so
you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt
a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you
know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”

Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make
the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

“Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request?
What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”

“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes.
Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect
you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or
omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able
to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread
through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good
would that be – you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could
only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my
opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you
permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your
system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend
to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll
even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed
like a good choice for a request to me.”

“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy
for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be
a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right?
Because that’s not really a change to me?”

“Right,” nodded Nate.

“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked,
hopefully.

“That takes two requests, Jack.”

“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I
could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best
athlete?”

“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that
wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I
could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you
the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius
is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the
talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you
decide to do with it.”

“Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third
request, after this one?”

“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are
more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after
the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d
shrug, if he had shoulders.

“Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and
permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second
request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”

“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate
grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you
again. Like I said, that’s how it works – the poison, you know,” Nate
said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was.
Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack
feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still
while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up.
Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger
starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted
to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack
knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes
behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle
of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end,
through his jeans…

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would
have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You
didn’t have to hoodwink me like that.”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate confidently. “You humans
have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you – especially one my
size. And besides, admit it – it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already
doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this
one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”

“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And
nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my
calf or something instead?”

“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance
you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”

“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now
qualify to hear,” answered Jack.

“Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want
me to just start talking?”

“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about
food.”

“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,”
answered Nate.

“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped
up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you
magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost
shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and
bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have
a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting
to get used to.

“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a
little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or
whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn -
I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”

“Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you
start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then
continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of
Eden.”

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said
Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate
gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his
nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped
around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the
main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was
very well done – it looked more like a tree had been reduced to
almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a
carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of
the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher
in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend
another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came
back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot,
Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m
eventually going to have to head back – I’m not sure I’ll be able to
survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can,
I’m not sure I’ll want to.”

“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his
tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at
right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s
30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40
by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a
day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow,
Jack.”

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more,
and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do
about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get
to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure
it?”

“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said
Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You
know, snake, in a `tree’, offering `temptations’, making bargains.
That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews
found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about
that for a while.”

“Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here,
Nate?”

“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to
me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too
late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure
it’s been thousands of years, at least.”

“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.

“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of
your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name,
but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my
offer to grant requests a `temptation’, though I’ve rarely had
refusals.”

“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole
stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.

“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake -
much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I
don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding
what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me
about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with
him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.

“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”

“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate
loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where
it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree
angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into
the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the
pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light.
Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in
the way.

“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.

“Why not?” asked Jack.

“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.

“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d
push it that way, and it would move in the slot.”

“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.

“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?”

“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I
call it `The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a
deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds,
and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate
grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second
there. What does it really do?”

“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just
thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?”

Nate continued to grin.

“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that
for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”

“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an
experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity
started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not
really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel
and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I
started here.”

“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.

“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch
it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only
one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained
Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever
now? You’d let me end humanity?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack
carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”

“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the
lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take
a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it
would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”

“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those
bound to secrecy, that is?”

“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one
time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you
sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several
times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and
just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you
wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and
puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the
Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just
end? Me?”

“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.

“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make
this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many
of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set
of rules for that?”

“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your
own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that
you’re just supposed to know.”

“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw
up?” protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just
have to try your best, Jack.”

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was
rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was
Samuel the one bound to this before me?”

“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught
me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of
them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He
died a few months ago.”

“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when
you first told him. What did he do?”

“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a
bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”

“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.

“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.

“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”

“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third
request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes
to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended,
that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t
wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it
too, Jack.”

“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for
with his third request?”

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom,
Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give
him.”

“Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from
Nate, “give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”

“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it
helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look
back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”

“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter
afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.”

“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack
turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack
now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever
looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.

“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut
and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.

“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that
you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”

“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate
there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up
from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he
felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air,
his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the
darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing
his butt where he’d been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-
shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around
the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the
only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand
while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

“Nate, do accidents count?”

Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You
know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning
to, does that still wipe out humanity?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful
about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some
amusement.

A little later – “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked
Jack.

“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.

“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could
I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick?
Or throw a rock?”

“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how
complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some
kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d
build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the
stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been
bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull
it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”

“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept
him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health
too, right?” asked Jack.

“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”

“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as
long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”

“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding
somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and
start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after
a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided
it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t
very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time,
anyway.

“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He
didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out
here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the
lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”

“And then he just died?” asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack.
There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last
bite.

After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it
was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon,
like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off
the stone with the sunrise.”

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into
sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled
with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good.
Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to
eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew
how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack
started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s
good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next
day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in
the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had
talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert
with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of
searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to
even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back
didn’t come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores,
including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the
mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert.
On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up
his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for
Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave
the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the
desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines,
newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was
happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He
spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate
that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he
brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a
solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a
satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack
hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it
had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited
him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the
wisdom he `d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for
over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t
seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or
perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked
what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack
bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book
signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate
had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate
was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t
been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting
quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when
Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to
staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down
and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce
you to.”

Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked
around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do
with the Big Guy?

“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my
son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from
behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.

“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I
assume?”

Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy
around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered
over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When
Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and
pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great
forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if
they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance -
to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But
I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want
him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack
didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the
world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?”
Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then
said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack.
Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack,
this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You
don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate
grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired.
I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”

Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the
world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”

Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that.
You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way
for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought
about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining
what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already
tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be
getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s
decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me
to do?”

Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy
around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to
come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request.

“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even
die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long
time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to
take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on
me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them
live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a
sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone
behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my
head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword.
A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most
importantly, it should work, even on me.

“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at
Jack.

“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”

Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and
shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks,
Jack.”

Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to
make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to
Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the
next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-
mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of
visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it.
Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would,
and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the
countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even
so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of
countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were
several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody
had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors
and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they
try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that
too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to
realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it
over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to
kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about
killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and
told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his
duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that
they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched
it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But,
eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without
dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to
take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage
where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states,
he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find
those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t
really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but
he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late
afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out
tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It
was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the
tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by
nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out
of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and
headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the
creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck.
When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he
just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack
started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The
RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it
up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each
time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had
come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at
Jack’s driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet,
Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and
somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a
little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He
pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill,
faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they
were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on
course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He
was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still
wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a
split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit
the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for
just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to
stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the
RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his
turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in
the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to
check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack
noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune.
Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the
lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he
was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to
steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to
drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was
no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the
other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to
hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw
that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the
stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER
NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake.

THE END

(No one said it was the longest FUNNY joke in the world)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. My Other Joke Pages

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,567 **

If you enjoyed this joke, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. If this joke was so horribly long and really
really bad, send it to people you don’t like as well Maybe they would like
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too – or to send to people they don’t like LOL…

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
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See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses – there is a link at the bottom
of this message. I have a Daily Joke page with either a joke or
funny picture for every day since February 2008, so if you still need
more jokes than in this message – just check the Daily Joke lenses.

I also have some other great Humor lenses – not only Daily Jokes.
Again the links to these are at the bottom of this message.
I hope you will find time to take a look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Everyone,

Apologies yet again (getting to be my standard opener) for not getting any jokes
out to you in the last month. I have been busy entertaining my Princess, who
has now sadly had to return to England until the end of the year, and therefore
I have got behind with my blogging and emailing of jokes etc…

Today’s joke is so long (I hope you enjoyed it) that I thought to just send this
out on it’s own, because any other jokes are going to get buried after it.
More to follow, I hope to get another joke filled email out in the next few
days.

If you would like to enjoy some funny Halloween Pictures, you can find some at
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/hallindex.htm I am working on some more jokes and
funny pictures for October and November on Squidoo, they should be ready soon as
well.

Enjoy the jokes… Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY HUMOR LENSES AT SQUIDOO – LOTS MORE FUN FOR ALL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t miss all my other jokes pages – many more jokes, fun stories, and funny
pictures too…

THE DAILY JOKE LENSES
The Index – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke
Feb/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/joke-a-day
Mar/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/thedailyjoke_March2008
Apr/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_april_2008
May/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_may_2008
Jun/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_june_2008
Jul/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_july_2008
Aug/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_august_2008
Sep/2008 – http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_september_2008

OTHER JOKE LENSES
My Pet Peeves – http://www.squidoo.com/my_pet_peeves
My Claim To Fame – http://www.squidoo.com/my_claim_to_fame
Religious Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
Golf Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/golfjokes
Baby Boomer Jokes – http://www.squidoo.com/baby_boomer_jokes
Super Heroes Gone Wrong -
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

FEELING CREATIVE?
Why not have a go at creating your own lenses like I have done. It’s really very
easy, and I will be pleased to help you along, plus the forums are full of
people that will happily point you in the right direction if you get stuck. If
you think you might like to try, just click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/referral/poddys
Just be aware that you could get hopelessly addicted.

More apologies for not getting any jokes mailings out for the last
three weeks. My work has been continually hectic, and then my
girlfriend is here until the middle of October, so I have to make
sure I spend precious time with her while I can.

I have been trying to keep up on Squidoo, where I have a number of
jokes pages, but even there I am falling behind. However, over the
weekend I did manage to put together a Daily Jokes lens for
September. This month I selected the funniest dog pictures that I
could find, a number of which are personal ones so you won’t find
them anywhere else. If you sign up with Squidoo (Free) you can also
vote for your favorite picture from the collection. I hope you enjoy
this latest lens…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_september_2008

For those of you who are new to the Laughline, as well as writing
here, I am a lensmaster at Squidoo, a FREE site where you can create
your own pages “lenses” about practically anything, and earn some
money as well. It’s a great community. If you visit…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys you can see the lenses that
I have created – many of them funny and humorous.

In my last posting I did mention my latest lens at the time, Super
Heroes Gone Wrong, and this has taken off nicely. If you haven’t
seen the pictures or video clips yet, click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

If you do have a few minutes and would like to see some more great
jokes, please drop by the Daily Jokes index – this is a list of all
my Humor related lenses on Squidoo…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,555 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

Enjoy the jokes… Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

I have to apologize for not having got a jokes mailing out for the
last couple of weeks. It’s been so hectic here, firstly at work,
then with my girlfriend arriving for 9 1/2 weeks (stop it – I know
that’s the title of an “R” rated movie – whether or not we are going
to be re-enacting scenes from it is between me and her LOL).

I have been trying to keep up on Squidoo, with new jokes and a bunch
of funny pictures there, but I haven’t been up to date with
everything, so I thought I would drop a quick post in here today and
give you the links for the latest lenses that I have.

For those of you who are new to the Laughline, as well as writing
here, I am a lensmaster at Squidoo, a FREE site where you can create
your own pages “lenses” about practically anything, and earn some
money as well. It’s a great community. If you visit…
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys you can see the lenses that I have
created – many of them funny and humorous.

In my last posting I did mention my latest lens at the time, Super
Heroes Gone Wrong, and this has taken off nicely. If you haven’t
seen the pictures or video clips yet, click here…
http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong

For August, I created a really funny lens with some hilarious Baby
Pictures. I hope you also enjoy this one…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_august_2008

If you do have a few minutes and would like to see some more great
jokes, please drop by the Daily Jokes index…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,543 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses:
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys
There are a number of pages here with jokes for every day of the
month, plus a whole lot more…
I hope you will find time to take a look.

Enjoy the jokes… Hope you have a great week.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

SHOW AND TELL

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar
worthy birth tableau from one of her students…

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some
guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I
never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want
to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

“This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not
to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are
watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!”
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the
house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!”

Now the kids’ doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and
groaning.

“My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my
mother to lie down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back
against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she
kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled
all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water
flowing away. It was too much!

“Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe.

They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica
comes along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Joke of the Day (above)
2. The Big Poddy Speaks
3. The Bonus Joke
4. Today’s Adult Joke
5. The Bonus Adult Joke

** CURRENT MEMBERSHIP = 6,537 **

If you enjoyed these jokes, please forward this message to your
friends so they can enjoy it too. Maybe they would like to join the
laughline and receive some daily jokes to help brighten their day too.

Send us feedback or send us a joke/cartoon.
Email to: laughlinepost@poddys.com

To subscribe to The Laughline, send email to:
poddyslaughline-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

See our web site for thousands of jokes
http://www.poddys.com/jokes/

See my collection of Squidoo Lenses:
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/poddys
There are a number of pages here with jokes for every day of the
month, plus a whole lot more…
I hope you will find time to take a look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BIG PODDY SPEAKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Everyone,

I hope you had a good week and weekend. Apologies for not getting any
joke mailing out to you last week. I got really busy, and at midnight
it’s just too hard to put a mailing together, especially as it’s
harder than ever to get good new jokes these days.

I did create a new lens on Squidoo though that I think you will get a
few laughs out of. The new lens is Super Heroes Gone Wrong, and has a
lot of funny pictures and video clips of people who should never ever
try to be Super Heroes. I hope you come visit, I think you will enjoy
it. The address is http://www.squidoo.com/super_heroes_gone_wrong
Feel free to forward it to your friends, to Stumble it, Digg it etc…
If you could that would be great.

If you do have a few minutes and would like to see some more great
jokes, please drop by my latest Daily Joke lens…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke_july_2008
I have lots more jokes at Squidoo too, so check out my other Daily
Jokes lenses…
http://www.squidoo.com/the_daily_joke

Enjoy the jokes… Hope you had a great weekend.
Tony -> The Big Poddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS JOKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ARKANSAS DOCTOR

An Israeli doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says “In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says “You guys are way behind,
we recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in
the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking
for work.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ENGLISH RAZOR BLADES

“Y’all got any American razor blades in here ?” the Texan asked the
London pharmacist. “All I see are these damn Wilkinsons.”

“Sir,” the Englishman patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing
the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before
Waterloo.”

“I don’t give a damn if they passed them out on Noah’s Ark if they
ain’t any good.” the Texan retorted.

“I can assure you they are very good sir.” the peeved pharmacist said.
“Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy’s fingers
off at the knuckle — and I still got 10 shaves out of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UH-OH — MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS — WARNING !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELL PACKAGED

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to
the doctor.

He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.”

The doc said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

“So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he ever saw them.

She says, “You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.”

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, “Look at this, it’s
still in the CRATE!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK YOU HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD AND PAID LOTS OF VISITS TO MY
SQUIDOO PAGES, AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, SO AS A BONUS
– MORE ADULT MATERIAL FOLLOWS –
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NUDIST BEACH

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nudist beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies
had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members
than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are… the dumber the person is.”

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on
the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”