I just got off the phone with friend in southern New Jersey.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing as well.
His wife has done nothing all morning, but look through the kitchen window.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
This is a hilariously funny poem that was written by a friend of mine about breasts, and how women feel about them as they get older.
I hope you enjoy it…
Between my neck and belly,
My dynamic duo rests,
Among a slew of other names,
They’re politely called my breasts.
You can read the rest of this funny poem here. If you enjoy it, please forward this to your women friends.
A man walked into the ladies department of Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘
‘ What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.
‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’
‘ Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. ‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .’
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: ‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’
A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”
Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied ……
“My wife’s first husband.”
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions;
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt,
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut;
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind,
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing,
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting;
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack;
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb,
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? – Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! – Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
