- Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
- He actually *does* have your tongue.
- You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.
- Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
- You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.
- As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
- Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”
- Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”
- Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.
- You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
- Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
- Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
- Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.
- You find a piece of paper labelled “MY WIL” which says “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”
- Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.
Category Archives: Top 10 Jokes
Signs You Have Had Too Much Of The 90′s
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask “Do you fancy going down the pub ?” and they reply “Yeah, give me 5 minutes”.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- You consider The Postal Service painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.
- Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
- You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
- When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
- When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a “9″ to get an outside line.
- You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
- You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o’clock news.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
- Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
- Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
- It’s dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
- You know exactly how many days you’ve got left until you retire.
- Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
- You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
- The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
- Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in hospital.
- You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
- There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
- Your boss’s favourite lines are: When you’ve got a few minutes……. ……Could you fit this in…? ……………………In your spare time………… I know you’re busy but…………….. I have an opportunity for you…
- Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
- Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn’t know had started is leaving.
- You wonder who’s going to be left to put into your ‘leaving’ collection.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
- The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
- As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “mates you send jokes to” e-mail group.
- It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can’t be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
Top 20 Ridiculous Holiday Complaints
These are 20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.
- A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate.”
- A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
- “The beach was too sandy.”
- A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
- “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
- “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
- “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
- “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
- “My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
- “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
- “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”
- “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
- “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
- “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
- “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
- “I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”
- “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
- “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.”
- “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
- “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
The saddest thing of all, is that these people walk among us… Scary thought isn’t it…