Category Archives: Sports Jokes

The Swimming Contest

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Three disabled people enter a swimming contest.

The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they are all in the pool.

The person who has no arms takes the lead instantly, but the one who has no legs is pulling for all they are worth and closing fast.  The head, as you might have expected, just sank straight to the bottom of the pool.

Ten lengths later and the person who has no legs finishes first.

They can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, and so decide they had better dive down to rescue the one with just a head.

So, they pick up the head, swim back up to the surface and place it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches it’s breath and shouts:  “Three long years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears. Three long years! Then what do you know! Two minutes before the whistle, some wise guy puts a swimming cap on me!”

The Pretzel Hold

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A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler’s trainer came to him and said “Now,don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian.  He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.  Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly,there was a long, high-pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.  I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

The trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off?”

“Not really” said the Redneck.  “You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own”.

Little League Baseball

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At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is, or what a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play,  it’s bad sportsmanship to call your coach a ‘dumb a-hole” isn’t it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

Sports Commentators Bloopers

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Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure  they all would like to take back:

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning  during her warm up and it was amazing.”

Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator:
“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

Grand Prix Race Announcer:
“The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it  which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”

Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

Ringside Boxing Analyst:
“Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -  but none of them really that serious.”

Baseball announcer:
“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

Basketball analyst:
“He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact  you can see it all over their faces.”

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew.”

Metro Radio, College Football:
“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

US Open TV Commentator:
“One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.  Oh my God, what have I just said?”