Gladys: “I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
Lilian: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
Gladys: “But your husband is still alive.”
Lilian: “I know, but his hair is gone.”
I just got off the phone with friend in southern New Jersey.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing as well.
His wife has done nothing all morning, but look through the kitchen window.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”
Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe,
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west;
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don’t end up in tears;
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;
And I don’t go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window from every direction;
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing,
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring!
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back,
I don’t carry our differences into the sack;
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you;
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too,
I know what the time is and I know what to do;
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls and stand when I pee;
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all;
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work,
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk!
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure;
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see,
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery;
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days,
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
This poem was written by Steven Wood. Here is a short bio on Steven:
I am primarily an Actor but I have also dabbled in Directing and Writing both plays and comedy poems. I have been very well received by a variety of people in the industry and I am always thankful of their good wishes.
“Steven is a fantastic young aspiring Actor, Director and Writer. he knows what he wants and will not stop in life until he achieves his goals, I admire him for this” (The Sun)”