Category Archives: Medical Jokes

Going Deaf

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Harold feared that his wife Dorothy wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought that if she was going deaf that she might need a hearing aid.

He wasn’t quite sure how to approach her, and so he telephoned the family Doctor to discuss the problem with him.

The Doctor told him that there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do” said the Doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from your wife, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Harold was in the den, he thinks to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away from the old girl now, let’s see what happens.”

So in a normal tone he calls out to his wife, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response…

So Harold moves closer to the kitchen.  He is now about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response…

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response…

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again there is no response…

FInally, he walks right up behind her. “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”

“FOR GOODNESS SAKE HAROLD – FOR THE FIFTH TIME – IT’S CHICKEN!”

Making The Rounds

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While making his hospital rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students in Dublin Hospital.

“As you can see,” she says, pointing to a patient, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Patrick, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders Patrick, “I suppose I’d limp too.

Smiling Bodies

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

‘First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.

‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’

The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’

‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.’

‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.

‘He thought he was having his picture taken’

Swollen Foot

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A man goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot.

After a careful examination, the doctor hands the man a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.

“I will be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while, and the man is losing his patience.

He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He then hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

“Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”

Male Obesity

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Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked.

“I’m not going in to work tomorrow.  I’m calling in fat.”

Hand Surgery

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.

The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

Bruises

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Giving an elderley man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, “Do you play hockey?”

“No” said the man.

“Do you play soccer?” said the doctor.

“No” the man said.

“Do you play any other physical sport?” asked the doctor, curious to know how what caused the bruises.

“Not at all” said the man, “I just play bridge with my wife.”