Although we had planned to get married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of home from the state of Kansas where I grew up, to our wedding.
My fiancee, explained this to a friend, and told him that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.
Harold feared that his wife Dorothy wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought that if she was going deaf that she might need a hearing aid.
He wasn’t quite sure how to approach her, and so he telephoned the family Doctor to discuss the problem with him.
The Doctor told him that there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do” said the Doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from your wife, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Harold was in the den, he thinks to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away from the old girl now, let’s see what happens.”
So in a normal tone he calls out to his wife, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response…
So Harold moves closer to the kitchen. He is now about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response…
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response…
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response…
FInally, he walks right up behind her. “Dorothy, what’s for dinner?”
“FOR GOODNESS SAKE HAROLD – FOR THE FIFTH TIME – IT’S CHICKEN!”
My wife is a registered nurse, and once upon a time she fussed over every pain or mishap that I had. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.
I was about to fix the fan in the attic, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam, causing it to bleed profusely.
Crawling along the floor, I managed to get splinters in both my hands, and I cut one hand while replacing the fan belt.
On my way back down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and twisted my ankle as I fell.
When I finally limped into the kitchen, my loving wife took one look at me and said, “Are those your good trousers?”
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Helen, soon we will have been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to ask. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Helen replied, “Well Arthur, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Arthur was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”
Helen said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Arthur recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Helen asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Arthur. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Well,” Helen said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in, and then Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
” Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob; “How about Viagra”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob turns to Rebecca: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10 (this kid is a genius for his age!)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
Kelvin, age 8
“And the #1 Favourite is……..”
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10 (wise beyond his years)