Wife Or Mistress?

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better.  If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”

The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”

The manager says: “You’re both wrong.  It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to watch the game at the bar.

Ferrari

A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for sale.  It had only 3,000 miles on the clock. “Like new,” the ad boasted. “Mint condition. $75.00.”

He laughed to himself, and he said, “There goes the newspaper, making another mistake.” But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked the woman who answered about the sports car.

“Is it really brand new?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Three thousand miles?”

“Yes.”

“The price?”

“Seventy-five dollars,” she answered.

“Lady, what’s wrong with it?” he asked.

“Nothing is wrong with it. You’re the first to call. I supposed nobody else believes the ad.”

He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive.  The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn’t believe his luck!

“The car is yours for $75.00,” the woman said emphatically, “on one condition. I want the money now and I want you to drive it away so I never have to see it again.”

He paid her and took the keys. “Please tell me, lady,” he persisted. “You could have sold this car for fifty
thousand dollars. What is going on?”

She told her story: “I bought this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a postcard from him. They are in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida. The postcard said, ‘Need money, sell car, send cash.’”

The Voice

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice calling out from behind him, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again he heard a voice shout, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the heck were you when I got married?”

Twenty Fifth Anniversary

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

“Oh. it’s not over yet,” says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

“What in the world are these?”

“Aspirin,” he replies.

“But I don’t have a headache,” says she.

“GOTCHA!”

The Longest Marriage

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

An elderly couple, who were married over 60 years, was selected.

The DJ asked them, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

The woman said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

The Dream

diamond_necklaceAfter she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn’t wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

Embarrassing Problems

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.  I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I have extremely smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be revolted by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.   That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.  Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.   This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve eaten one of my socks!”

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