Category Archives: Life Jokes

Well How Embarrassing! Your Most Embarrassing Moment.

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We all have our embarrassing moments don’t we, but I wonder who of us can claim to have had the most embarrassing moment of all…

I have had a few embarrassing moments in my life, but probably the worst that I can think of was a few years ago when my wife (now ex) went away to see the family for a week, leaving me alone in the house.

One evening I was feeling rather, well you know, as you do…

In the bedroom was a small television, one of those that had a built in VCR (yes I am talking a few years ago – if you are too young to know what a VCR is – you are too young to read this…).

Anyhow I digress…

To relieve my frustration, I dug out one of the couple of adult videos that we had bought a while before, and inserted it into the slot in the television.

Imagine my frustration (actually double frustration) when the tape refused to play, but also refused to eject.  It was stuck in the television, and nothing I did would make it come free.

Every time I tried to turn the television on, it would automatically try to play the tape, because there was one in the drive, but because it was stuck, it tried to eject it, and because it failed to do so, it would turn itself off.

Over the course of the next couple of days I tried and tried again to eject the tape.  I even took the casing off the television, but getting to the video mechanism was virtually impossible.

So in desperation I had to take the television to a small local television repair shop, tell them what the problem was, and of course I had to tell them what was stuck inside the drive.  It was after all a fairly explicit tape, and I walked away from the store red-faced, but not nearly as red-faced as when I picked it up.

Of course it took a few days for them to repair it, and the television was missing from the bedroom when my wife returned from her trip, so I had to explain what had happened.  Oh the embarrassment…

So do you have any embarrassing stories to tell?  If so, please leave a comment and share them with us.

The Irate Pharmacist

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When he arrived home from work one day, Mike was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained to him what had happened…

“It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, Mike leapt into his car, and drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist halted him and asked Mike to isten to his side of the story…

“This morning the alarm failed to go off”, said the pharmacist, “so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys”.

“Then, driving a little too fast” the pharmacist continued, “I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the danged phone was ringing off the hook, and it was driving me crazy.”

The pharmacist went on with his story…

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone just kept on ringing and ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her…”

Retirement

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My broker called me this morning and said, “Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 55?”

“Yes, I remember,” I said.

“Well,” my broker continued, “your retirement age is now 108.”

I know the feeling only too well, having purchased stocks in the past that just plummetted in value as soon as the purchase went through.  Even when I did make a killing on one stock (over 4,000%), I used the profits to buy penny stocks, most of which are now worth pennies.  It helps if you can see the funny side of things though.

Problems

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First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.

It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

Mourning

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

“Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied ……

“My wife’s first husband.”

How I Learned To Stop Being Nosy

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were outside, and they were shouting

13 …. 13 …. 13

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

It was then that somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting

14 …. 14 …. 14

My Only Pleasure

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A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

The man replies “Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

Being curious, he then asks the customer why he wants a pair of size 8 shoes, when it’s obvious that his feet are size 11 or eleven and a half.

He turns to the salesman and says, “I`ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay.  The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

Breakfast Special

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eggs_and_baconWe went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously.   “I’ll take the special then.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

Signs You Are The Reincarnation Of Someone Famous

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During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets.

When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.

Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she’s beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.

While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.

You sell all your belongings and move into a barn with a guy named Wilbur in North Carolina.

You wake up during a thunder storm and go out to fly a kite.

Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.

You are found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.