My Life Broken Down Into Segments

Tags: daily duties, eating, humor, my life, sleeping, working

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute [...]

Tags: acute ingestion, angina pectoris, arteriosclerosis, diabetes, gastritis, hypertrophic cirrhosis, hypodermics, lost memory, lumbago, neuritis, phthisis, pneumonia, rheumatism, spelling test, tonsillectomy, tuberculosis

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?” [...]

Tags: cemetary, dearly departed, death, dying, grave, grief, intensity, kneeling, mourning, praying

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. All the patients were outside, and they were shouting 13 …. 13 …. 13 The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. It was then that [...]

Tags: being nosy, crazy people, mental, mental hospital, nosy, nutcases, patients, poke, poked, poked in the eye, poking your nose in

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.” The man replies “Just bring me a size eight.” The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up [...]

Tags: IRS, Life Jokes, salesman, shoe salesman, shoes, size eight

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.” “Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering la carte,” the waitress warned her. “You mean I’d have [...]

Tags: bacon, breakfast, breakfast special, eggs, food jokes, hash browns, restaurant, toast, two eggs

During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets. When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she’s beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. While working under the sink, [...]

Tags: famous, reincarnation, signs, someone famous

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!! I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. She said, “Don t be silly you’re not old.” When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum. I need someone to refresh my memory.  How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the [...]

Tags: facts, life, random thoughts, thoughts

Tags: lemon juice, lemonade, lemons, life, sugar