Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed. “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?… and who are you?” he asked. “This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

Tags: bed time, bedtime, bedtime jokes, chicken jokes, dreaming jokes, dreams, going to heaven, heaven jokes, nightmare jokes, nightmares, reincarnation, reincarnation jokes

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

Tags: fail, failed surveys, food shortages, surveys, united nations, world nations, world survey

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. “Yeti tracks” the guide [...]

Tags: abominable snowman, camping, chase, explorers, guide, himalayas, mountains, terror, the yeti, yeti

Tags: bailout, car, detroit, finance, transport

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says, “Sorry, boys, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the pieces of string walk out again. They’re sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says, “Hey! I’ve got an idea to [...]

Tags: bar, bartender, string

Apparently the American Medical Association has just weighed in on the new economic stimulus package . . . The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. [...]

Tags: administration, allergists, dermatologists, economic stimulus, economy, gas, government, medical, neirologists, pathologists, podiatrists, washington

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold [...]

Tags: bacon, breakfast, butter, eggs, hotel, toast, waiter

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize – [...]

Tags: coffee, gourmet, lottery, pub, spaghetti, toilet brush, toilet paper

A Geordie bloke goes into the hairdressers and asks ‘Can I have a perm please?’ Hairdresser replies, ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud….’

Tags: english, geordie, hairdresser, perm

I’m not sure if this works or not.  This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day. BREAKFAST 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole-wheat toast 1 cup skim milk LUNCH 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey’s [...]

Tags: diet, food, relief, stress, stress relief