The Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.
I guess it must be true because the squirrels are busy gathering NUTS.
Three of my friends have disappeared.
Are you okay?
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow says: ”I give 50 litres of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!”
The Ant says: “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!!”
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A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean “.
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church.”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep.
All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
“What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?… and who are you?” he asked.
“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”
“WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Rob. ”I want you to send me back immediately.”
“It’s not that easy”, said St.Peter. “You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours.”
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
“I want to return as a hen.”
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.
Then along came another hen.
“Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,” she said. “How do you like being a hen?”
“Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode.”
“Oh that!” said the other hen. “That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg.”
“How do I do that?” Rob asked.
“Cluck twice, and then push all you can.”
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.
“Wow” Rob said, “That felt really good!”
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
“Rob, for Christ’s sake! Wake up! You’re shittin’ all over the bed!”
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.
Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.
Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
“Yeti tracks” the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them, “One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti.”
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents.
In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping.
Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him.
In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process.
The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.
After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft ‘thud thud thud’ of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away.
The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England.
As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed.
Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi.
Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition.
He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street.
The man couldn’t believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside.
He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature.
With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him.
The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror.
The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously.
He says, “Sorry, boys, we don’t serve your kind here.”
So the pieces of string walk out again.
They’re sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says, “Hey! I’ve got an idea to get me into the bar.”
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there.
His friend is looking at him and thinks he’s gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says, “Here, you’re not a bit of string, are you?”
The piece of string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Apparently the American Medical Association has just weighed in on the new economic stimulus package . . .
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
No offense intended to the new government, it’s a whole lot better than the old one, and in my opinion President Obama is doing a great job. I just thought this was a clever joke.