Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills Elementary School in Hollywood, California.
“Guess what?” one said. “Mommy’s getting married again and I’ll have a new Daddy.”
“Really?” said the other girl. “Who is she marrying?”
“Winston James, the famous Director.”
The second girl smiled. “Oh, you’ll like him. He was my Daddy last year.”
This is a fun collection of things that children have said when asked to write about the sea…
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an aarssewhole on the top of its head. (Billy age 
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I’m not going to write about our boat. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)
A young boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
About every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says, “Thomas, are you all right? You’ve been in there for a while.”
Thomas says, “I’m fine, Mommy. I just haven’t gone yet.”
Mother says, “Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Thomas, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”
Thomas says, “Well it works for ketchup!”
Little Johnny gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
The teacher said “What is this?”
Little Johnny replied ”It’s a drawing of a cow eating grass”
The teacher looked at the piece of paper and said to Johnny ”Where’s the grass?”
Little Johnny replied ”The cow ate all of it”
The teacher looked at the paper again, and asked him “then, where’s the cow?”
Without hesitation, Little Johnny replied, ”It left because there was no more grass”.
Billy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
“I can’t find it,” he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram of where he should go and asked him if he would be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and went on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the classroom and said to the teacher, “I can’t find it.”
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”
“Oh sure,” Tommy replied, “he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year old boy shouted,
“Yuv goat tae be fookin’ deid”
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e’e…
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind William as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, William’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to William, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
William nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest,’ William replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’
‘Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ William explained, ‘every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10 (this kid is a genius for his age!)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
Kelvin, age 8
“And the #1 Favourite is……..”
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
We were at the children’s museum which is full of hands-on arts and craft things, and she was playing with some pieces of metal, screws and nuts, sticking them to a magnetized board to make a picture.
“What’s that” I asked, “a face?”
“Yes” she said.
“Well what are all those hanging down?” I then asked out of curiosity.
“BOOGERS” she replied!
You should have seen us both laugh…
