THE LAUGHLINE

Tags: aerobatics, daredevils, flying, stunt flying, stunt pilot, stunts

Tags: bucket of water, car wash, one bucket of water, washing car, washing your car

This is a short poem from Morag Mortimer-Smythe, I hope you enjoy it.   If you do, she has some other wonderful articles on Associated Content.

Thank You For Being There

Without my butt I could not dance

Nor wear my sexy underpants

I couldn’t walk or run or jog

Or make those smells and blame the dog

Have nowt to itch in bed at night

And nowt to hold my legs on tight

Nothing to plop down on a chair

So thank you butt for being there

(hold that thought – off for a quick scratch…)

Tags: blame the dog, butt, funny poems, making smells, morag mortimer-smythe, plop down, Poetry, sexy underpants, short poems

At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is, or what a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play,  it’s bad sportsmanship to call your coach a ‘dumb a-hole” isn’t it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

Tags: bad sportsmanship, baseball, co-operation, coaching, little league, manners, sports, sportsmanship, teamwork

A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.  Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”

Tags: beaten to a pulp, beaten wife, black and blue, drinking, drunk, drunk husband, gargle, gargling, keeping your mouth shut, marriage, relationships, sweet tea

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.

It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

Tags: acute ingestion, angina pectoris, arteriosclerosis, diabetes, gastritis, hypertrophic cirrhosis, hypodermics, lost memory, lumbago, neuritis, phthisis, pneumonia, rheumatism, spelling test, tonsillectomy, tuberculosis

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

“Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied ……

“My wife’s first husband.”

Tags: cemetary, dearly departed, death, dying, grave, grief, intensity, kneeling, mourning, praying

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were outside, and they were shouting

13 …. 13 …. 13

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

It was then that somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting

14 …. 14 …. 14

Tags: being nosy, crazy people, mental, mental hospital, nosy, nutcases, patients, poke, poked, poked in the eye, poking your nose in

Lego City Under Seige By Zombies

Tags: lego, lego city, legoland, models, zombies

This is a bit of twisted humor about what can happen when we delve into our family roots:

The Taylor’s were very proud of their family history.

Their ancestors had traveled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower.

They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars.

They decided to research and write a family history, something that they could hand down to their children and grandchildren.

Having found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them, they were amazed at the family information that she managed to unearth.

However, a problem arose – how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair.

The writer said she could handle the story tactfully.

When the family history book was completed, the section about Jefferson read as follows:

Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

Tags: black sheep, congressmen, family history, Genealogy, pilgrim fathers, roots