THE LAUGHLINE

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in, and then Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

” Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob; “How about Viagra”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob turns to Rebecca: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them.

Tags: baby boomers, drugstore jokes, getting married, getting old, marriage, Marriage Jokes, old age, wedding jokes, weddings

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.

Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10 (this kid is a genius for his age!)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It’s the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing.  I’m never going to have sex with my wife.  I don’t want to be all grossed out.

Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

Kelvin, age 8

“And the #1 Favourite is……..”

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

Tags: children on marriage, childrens views, childrens views on marriage, kids on marriage, marriage, single or married

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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They draw straws.

Goldberg picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!”

“I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.

Tags: florida, floridians, gambling, jewish jokes, old age, playing poker, poker, poker game, retirees

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘

‘ What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’

‘ Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.   ‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .’

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: ‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

Tags: bras, brassieres, buying a bra, ladies department, lingerie, shopping for your wife, types of bras, underwear

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

Tags: 80th birthday, cruise, cruise ship, eighty years old, old age, scotch, two drops of water, whisky

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A LIMERICK FOR SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

When the world’s dressed up in their green
The brightest colors that you have seen
They are drinking good cheer
With green colored beer
It’s not dirty though, it’s clean

A POEM FOR SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

Saint Patrick would have never believed
How his memory would become perceived
In the Emerald Isle they do it in style
With green outfits, green hats and green sleeves

In the New World they went one step beyond
As they do there across the pond
With jugs of green beer
And all sorts of cheer
And silly hats often are donned

Corned Beef and Cabbage are common
In Chicago, New York and Boston
But in Olde Dublin Towne
They’d certainly frown
Guinness is their usual custom

When 17th March comes along
It’s an excuse for drinking and song
People form into crowds
And get really loud
As they do when they form into a throng

The next day starts with a warning
Heads are thumping as a new day is dawning
We drank way too much
Spoke fluent double dutch
There’s a price to be paid in the morning

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LEPRECHAUNS?

Do you believe in Leprechauns
Rainbows with pots of gold
Fairies, Piskies, Gnomes and Dwarves
Or have you just grown old

I sometimes stop and wonder
Where these ancient tales come from
Were there really once such things
And if so, then are they gone?

This world is full of strange events
You can read it throughout history
There’s UFO’s and flying things
It really is a mystery

But for the sake of old Saint Pat
Let’s imagine for a day
That fairy tale folk they do exist
You might see one at play

SPILT ON A QUILT – A LIMERICK

A young Irish maid once spilt
Green beer all over a quilt
She was really quite shy
So she wiped it all dry
But blushed because of her guilt

TRIPPING AND SLIPPING – A LIMERICK

While walking an Irish lass tripped
And into a puddle she slipped
When a man pulled her out
Did she holla and shout
Cos he trod on her dress and it ripped

MICK AND HIS TRICK – A LIMERICK

An Irish builder called Mick
Did a very unusual trick
He would juggle his tools
Which was really quite cool
Til they landed one day on his foot

THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING

Oh the flowers that bloom in the spring
Is a song that a lot of folks sing
I don’t know any more
So I can’t say for sure
But it sounds like it has a nice ring

The above poems and Limericks were composed by Tony Payne (Poddys)
Copyright under Collective Commons
This material may be copied, provided credit is given to the author
And a link clearly placed back to this article

Tags: 17 march, cabbage, corned beef, emerald isle, fairies, fairy folk, green beer, green hats, green sleeves, guinness, ireland, irish, irish builder, Irish Jokes, irish rhymes, leprechauns, limericks, march 17, mick, piskies, saint patrick, saint patricks day, silly hats, silly poems

This is a song by West Country Folk Singer Fred Wedlock.  It’s a hilarious spoof of the story of Robin Hood, only the character in this song is Robin Head, who deals rather more than food to the people of Sherwood Forest.   Hope you like it.

Tags: drug dealers, folk singers, folk songs, fred wedlock, friar tuck, little john, mead, nottingham, robin head, robin hood, rolling joints, sherriff of nottingham, sherwood forest, west country